Praise and Criticism
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The Profound Effect of Criticism
I once had the title of "Coolest Mom in the World" among her daughter and her friends. I can't tell you how proud I was to hold that title. But one day things changes. I went from "Coolest Mom in the World" to winner of the "Bad Mom Award"! I took my daughter to her softball
practice as usual. I think everything is great until, BAM! I overhear my daughter telling her assistant coach, "It doesn't matter what I do, it won't be good enough for my mom."
SCREEEEEECH! My world just crashed. Where was this coming from? I support my daughter 100%. We spend a lot of time together talking and I always thought we were on the same page. Obviously we weren't communicating as well as I thought, so I had to find out what was going on.
I started thinking about her statement. Was it simply acting out as preteens often do? Was she seeking attention? Where did I go wrong to make her feel this way? I just couldn't figure out where her feelings were coming from. So in an effort to win back my "Coolest Mom in the World" titles, we headed off to Marble Slab for an
awesome treat and a little heart-to-heart!
I guess I was scared of the answer I was going to get because I found it very difficult to ask her about her statement. I knew I had to so I took a deep breath and asked if she remembered the incident. She did. I asked her if she really felt that way. "Sometimes I do, yeah," she said.
Oh man! That was not what I was hoping to hear. Time to dig deeper. I asked her what I do that gives her that feeling. I was shocked at the number of examples she could give me right off the top of her head.
I obviously had to take a long, hard look at myself and my behavior. For the next several days I kept thinking about what she said. The main thing echoing in my brain was that she felt criticized during pitching practices. I didn't think our practices were any different than most players. I'd go to her pitching lessons and then work with
her on what the coach told us. I'd watch her form and correct her when I'd notice something wrong. So what's wrong with that?
I bought books on children and self-esteem. I scoured the Internet for articles. I was on a mission to get my daughter's confidence back and make her believe that I am proud of her hard work. It didn't take long for me to find enough evidence to support the claim that parents like myslef are the norm and not the exception. I started to take comfort in that fact and
then I realized just how many girls there are out there that must feel the same way my daughter does. My feelings really don't count, it's about her! It was time to make a change and start setting a good example.
I identified the behaviors in myself that were destroying my daughter's self-esteem and started working on ways to present my criticisms in a more positive way. Although the following examples are dramatizations, if they sound at all familiar, take not of the suggestions that follow to avoid some very serious mistakes.
Scenario 1:
You get to the fields and discuss what you are going to work on. "I want you to focus on keeping your elbow in and following through." Your daughter says she understands. She warms up and throws a few pitches, then the elbow flings out and there is no follow-through. "That was AWFUL! You've GOT to pay attention to your arm or you will hurt yourself!" The next couple of pitches are ok and then
it happens again. "Come on now, you can do this. You've got to be more consistent. Practicing the wrong way isn't going to help you." A few more pitches come in correctly and then it reverts back again. You are getting frustrated now and tell her if she does it again she'll take a lap. Now throw in some back-talk from a preadolescent and the situation quickly escalates out of control. You pack up your stuff
and drive home, nagging your daughter the whole way about how bad the practice was.
The Solution
The only thing that the parent does right in this scenario is identify the points of emphasis for the practice. After that the practice was a waste of time.
Criticizing your daughter by telling her that her efforts are awful has a profound psychological impact on her. Children internalize these types of statements, especially when made by parents or teachers. Once that happens the criticism becomes a foundation for the child's self-worth. Even though you are telling her the pitching is awful, it has the same effect as telling her she is awful. Now "awful" is a part of
who she is.
It is also important to point out what she is doing right. If you stop to help her and she makes a correction, you have to recognize that behavior so she understands what she has done well. She will then be more receptive to future criticism, and more importantly, will internalize those positive remarks to boost her self-esteem. Children love to be noticed for doing something well. Without this positive reinforcement, your daughter
will begin to feel that no amount of effort is good enough, so why should she bother even trying.
As the parent, it's easy to blame the bad practice on your daughter. In reality, the parent in this scenario is responsible for the poor performance and is on the road to driving the child away. To avoid destroying her confidence and self-esteem, steps should be taken to effectively communicate with her.
Scenario 2
You're at a game and it's a close one. Inevitably, her team is down by 1, there are runners on second and third, time has expired, there's two outs, and your daughter is up to bat. A base hit is all it would take to win the game and she strikes out, watching the ball go right in the mitt without even attempting to swing. Your temper flares! You've worked on her hitting and you can't believe she just made the same mistake again! As she is walking
back to the dugout you are at the fence asking her how she could watch that go by. On the ride home you tell her how she let the team down. The team was counting on her and she blew it. She cries the entire drive and won't talk to you the rest of the evening. She may even be telling you she wants to quit playing at this point.
The Solution
Every parent has been in this situation at some point - and it's a tough one! Who doesn't want their daughter to hit in the game-winning run or make the 'superstar' play? When they fail, we are disappointed and upset. What we cannot do as parents is put all of the blame on one child. No matter what happened in the last play of the game, there was a team of players on the field with opportunities to score runs and make outs. The one child who is
unfortunate enough to be the last out is not at fault for the loss of the game. It is a team sport! We have to realize that kids emotions are raw after a tough loss. At these times we must encourage them. "We'll get 'em next time!" may sound cliche', but it instills hope and optimism in our children. Telling them it's their fault will do nothing but discourage and frustrate them. Think about it. If the situation comes up again, do you want your daguther
at the plate thinking, "Ok, I can do this!" or "Man, if I strike out my dad is going to go ballistic!" Helping your daughter believe in herself will motivate her to practice harder. Then, and only then, will the performance come through on the field.
Once the game is lost, leave it at the field. We have a new policy in our family - softball talk is forbidden on the drive home from a game unless it is positive. This way we all have time to cool off and evaluate our emotions before we talk about what happened.
For some tips on constuctive criticism and effective communication, click here. Following these steps has helped our family in so many ways. My daughter is asking to go to pitching practice again. The arguments are few and far between and we are much closer. If you're still having problems, think about how you would want to be treated. Would your words motivate you? If all else fails, do what I did. Go grab some ice cream and talk!
How to Give Effective Criticism
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